Cheeseburger in paradise? Nope.

October 11, 2026-I’m going to come right out and say it: I do not like cheese on my hamburgers. Is that un-American? I mean, I like cheese---I take that back—I love cheese. But not the yellow sloshy American cheese that gets slapped onto sizzling burgers.

This becomes a problem when dining out, especially fast food or drive-thru restaurants. I have to say at least three times—“I’d like a hamburger—NO cheese.” They repeat it back, saying no cheese, but 9 out of 10 times I get cheese. If I’m at the restaurant, l sometimes politely say, “Oh, I asked for no cheese,” and they’ll bring me one without, or I just put on my big-girl pants and eat it. But many times, I’m on the road and go through a drive-thru and don’t notice the cheese until after I’ve left the line. I’ve even called a very popular fast-food restaurant’s corporate office and asked what I was doing wrong and how I can get a hamburger with no cheese. The response I received was almost like a “duh, just say no cheese.” I responded that I say “no cheese” each time I get cheese.

I’ve noticed many places now don’t even have a regular hamburger on the menu. Just cheeseburger. So I sound a little odd when I say, I’d like a cheeseburger—hold the cheese. And when I’ve gone to places that have “hamburger” on the menu, I don’t say “no cheese” because I assume there will be no cheese. Well, you know what happens when you assume something.

Matthew McConaughey was once quoted as saying, “The man who invented the hamburger was smart; the man who invented the cheeseburger was a genius.”  Sorry, Mr. McConaughey, I strongly disagree.

History has it that the hamburger was created in the 18^th century in the City of Hamburg in Germany. It was first known as the “Hamburg Steak.” That is until German immigrants brought the recipe to the United States and the evolution began. American vendors placed the beef patty between two slices of bread or on a bun for the sake of making it easier to eat while on the go. That’s when the Hamburg Steak Sandwich was shortened to “Hamburger.”

Sounded good. That is until a kid in California, back in 1924, dropped a slice of American cheese on a sizzling hamburger at his father’s sandwich shop. That’s how the story goes anyway. About 10 years later, a restaurant in Kentucky claimed to be the first restaurant to actually include the name “cheeseburger” on its menu. Then another 10 years go by when a man who owned some drive-in restaurants in Colorado trademarked the word “cheeseburger.”

Of course, lots of restaurants and fast-food chains jumped on the bandwagon and are selling tons of hamburgers and cheeseburgers. As a matter of fact, 50 billion burgers are eaten by Americans every year—and cheeseburgers account for roughly half.

I wasn’t a math major in college—but this means there are at least 25 billion hamburgers consumed each year, all sans cheese. Obviously, I’m not the only one who doesn’t don a burger with the infamous yellow slice, so why is it so hard for me to get just a good ol’ burger?

I mean no disrespect to the late Jimmy Buffett, and even though I loved his song, “Cheeseburger in Paradise,” I doubted it rang true as a metaphor for a simple, everyday comfort that brings happiness and relief because I cringe every time I get a burger and see that melted cheese slathered all over the bun. I don’t call that comfort or happiness.

The only thing I have enjoyed when it comes to cheeseburgers was when I watch a skit on SNL from the late 70s that featured the late John Belushi, Dan Aykroyd, Bill Murray, and Gilda Radner.

People would place their order at the fictitious Olympia Restaurant and be told they could only have cheeseburgers, “cheeps,” and “No Coke—Pepsi.” It honestly made me laugh every time I saw it. Did you know it was patterned after Chicago’s Billy Goat Tavern? Yup—if you were ever there, you knew the counter staff barked orders at patrons. (Reminds me of going to Ed Debevic’s in Chicago complete with fun-loving snarky servers.)

Something tells me I either learn to enjoy some cheese on my burgers---or I go with a hot dog. Ah, now I'm wondering if I will only complicate matters when I say "no ketchup."

Is this just me? Or do others have this same issue when trying to get a hamburger without cheese? Scroll down to the bottom (past the photos) and let me know in the comments.

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